Domestic Violence has been a deliberate target of our government and media.  Violence, in any form, in any relationships can no longer be hidden. 

However, it is paradoxical that some people view the violence that happens in some gay and lesbian relationships as “less serious” than the violence in straight relationships (Wise and Bowman, 1997) or feel less empathy for gay victims (Harris and Cook, 1994; Ford et al, 1998; Davies et al, 2001).   

However, the violence that abusive gay men or lesbians inflict on domestic partners is no less serious than the violence inflicted by abusive heterosexual partners on their domestic partners. 

One study found 79% of gay victims had suffered some physical injury, with 60% reporting bruises, 23% reporting head injuries and concussions, 13% reporting forced sex with the intention to infect the victim with HIV, 12% reporting broken bones, and 10% reporting burns (Merrill and Wolfe, 2000). Thus, the issue deserves the same attention in gay relationships as it does in straight relationships.

Did you know that only since 1987 have statistics regarding gay and lesbian domestic violence been collected?  This is not ok. 

Another concern is that the violence may have been denied by victims, or incorrectly recorded as “mutual combat.” The logic behind this is simple: If a community refuses to acknowledge gay relationships, it cannot acknowledge the violence in the relationship. However, it happens. A RELATIONSHIP IS A RELATIONSHIP. VIOLENCE IS VIOLENCE. 

Domestic violence is characterized by the pattern of actions that an individual uses to intentionally control or dominate his intimate partner. That is why the words “power and control” are in the center of the wheel. A batterer systematically uses threats, intimidation, and coercion to instill fear in his partner. These behaviors are the spokes of the wheel. Physical and sexual violence holds it all together—this violence is the rim of the wheel.

According to the Duluth model and approach to Domestic Violence in any relationship, there are eight (8) different areas of violence that enable power and control. 

These are: 

  • Coercion and Threats
  • Using Intimidation
  • Emotional Abuse
  • Financial abuse
  • Gender Privilege
  • Using Isolation 
  • Minimizing, Denying and Blaming 
  • Using Children 

Everyone thinks domestic violence in relationships means physical assaults and resultant bruises, scares or bleeding.  Well, it does NOT

Verbal attacks, insults, threats and keeping your partner ‘guessing’ do not leave bruises, however they are just as damaging.  Homosexual relationships are not exempt from emotional, psychological or other abuse. 

Of course, critics of gays and lesbians may purport unsupported citations of dysfunction in same sex relationships as “proof” that gay and lesbian relationships are dysfunctional. On the one hand, as noted earlier, these issues and numbers do not differ to any other relationship. 

On the other hand, it is worth noting the nuances by which gay and lesbian relationship can become unhealthy, dysfunctional or abusive. 

For example, batterers can make specific threats to “out” the victim to family, coworkers, and friends. This may mean greater isolation and painful rejection by loved ones, loss of employment, and loss of emotional support.  

Also, where the victim is a parent, threats to “out” the victim could lead to perceived fears of loss of custody with their children. 

Relationships are hard work. There are so many things that need to happen so an equal and respectful relationship has a chance of surviving. 

Violence can occur in any relationship, straight, gay or relationship of choice.  Couples need to work towards equality and respect. 

Let’s be frank –while there has been a great deal of progress in the area of gay rights over the past several years, there still exists plenty of cultural bias and prejudice when it comes to same sex relationships in our society.  

This does not mean no one is willing to work to enhance your positive relationship. 

Therapist for Gay Couples Rationale

One of the reasons LGBT people often seek out a therapist for gay couples counseling is because they want to work with someone who isn’t going to judge them. It’s that simple. You will not have to worry about editing your comments worrying that you might say something that will confuse or offend. When you think about it, counselilng (for individuals or couples) can never really be effective if transparency isn’t at the forefront.

Plus, if you are gay or lesbian, you likely don’t want to have to spend a lot of time educating your therapist about the different cultural dynamics that are common within the community.

You may also want to work with a therapist for gay couples counselling because in the past, you have tried therapy with someone and ended up having a “bad” experience. This can sometimes happen if the counsellor wasn’t truly accepting or sensitive to issues impacting your relationship. 

If you sense any disrespect, inequality, violence in any form, or dysfunction in your relationship, psychological intervention with Trudy Sheffield can help to find real solutions. 

Summing Things Up

If you need a therapist for gay couples counseling, we hope you consider Trudy Sheffield at Vision Psychology. Rest assured that whatever your issues are, you or your significant other will not be judged.

And if you are looking for general relationshipcounseling for yourself, that’s fine too! Many people come to therapy for individual counseling to receive guidance, support and insight about issues of the heart.

If you would like to learn more about working with a therapist for gay couples or just for yourself, please book with me, Trudy Sheffield at Vision by phoning 1800 877 924 or visiting ……


Davies, M., Pollard, P., and Archer, J. (2001). The Influence of Victim Gender and Sexual Orientation on Judgments of the Victim in a Depicted Stranger Rape. Violence and Victims, 16(6), 607-619.

Ford, T. M., Liwag-McLamb, M. G., and Foley, L. A. (1998). Perceptions of Rape Based on Sex and Sexual Orientation of Victim. Journal of Social Behavior and Personality, Vol. 13(2), 253-263.

the Law. In Beth Leventhal and Sandra Lundy (Eds), Same-

Harris, R. J., and Cook, C. A. (1994). Attributions About Spouse Abuse: It Matters Who the Batterers and Victims Are. Sex Roles, 30(7-8), 553-565.

Merril, G. S., Wolfe, V. A. (2000). Battered Gay Men: An Exploration of Abuse, help Seeking, and Why They Stay. Journal of Homosexuality, 39(2), 1-30.

Wise, A. J., and Bowman, S. L. (1997). Comparison of Beginning Counselors’ Responses to Lesbian vs. Heterosexual partner abuse. Violence and Victims, 12(2), 127-135.